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Thank God.

In the evening of the 8th October, we boarded a train at the tumultuous New Delhi station, along with rucksacks and handbags. Amidst the incomparable commotion, a friend’s bag disappeared. Its contents: cash; credit cards; cameras; driver’s license; and – crushingly – one British passport.

Thank God, then, for Dehli police. Their help came in many forms, united with support and advice. Here is some of it:

1 – Your bag stolen? Wow, really? Well, keep going to Varanasi station and they can deal with it instead. No no, don’t leave the train, get out of Delhi, far away from us – Go Away!

2 – You stayed? Ah. That’s a shame. Well I suppose we need to start some paperwork, but we can’t get adept tear stains on the forms, so stop crying. Let me cheer you up. Imagine, for example, that I lost this pen. This would be bad karma, perhaps my karma is not good. Perhaps yours is not good either, but God will help. Thank God. Why are you still crying? The phonecall to cancel your credit cards can wait.

3 – All better. Why are you still here? A crime report? I guess so. Here’s a computer. Once it’s booted up (press ‘enter’ a few hundred times), feel free to start writing it. We’ll do our best to print it sometime soon.

4 – We’ve got our own taxi for your return to the hotel. It’ll cost you double. You’re welcome.

5 – No bag? No problem. Goodbye.

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